Failed Attempts
by ariadne-chan
Summary: One-shot? Noooo. It took me several attempts before I got to this. And now, drenched with the unsightly yellow paint with a large bump on my forehead as I struggled to balance myself on the wobbly utility ladder, I am going to make my confession.
1. Chapter 1

We spend our lives waiting. Waiting for the right moment to come, the right moment to talk. Waiting for almost anything. No matter how automatic our life is, we still wait. But sometimes, it's foolish to wait when you know it will never come. But that's the beauty of being one of life's gullible. Waiting is that wonderful high that makes life crazy. -ML

**Chapter I**

I feel like every thing's a dream where I'm having a fight and keep swinging with all my might and my punches have more force than if I had feathers for arms. I stood indignantly on top of the utility ladder, my hair and uniform drenched and stained with the unsightly yellow paint. My head still reels from where it collided with the darn wall, and I could feel my fellow students' eyes on me. I deliberately ignored them. All I can see now is Kaho-chan, ten feet away from me, her violin case on hand, laughing with her friends. This is it, Hihara Kazuki! I'm telling her, and I'm telling her NOW. To hell with the rules.

My failed attempts seemed so uncannily stupid now that I think of them. Wait--what is this?! My life is flashing before me! I'm not going to die, for Kami's sake! I risked another glance at the statue of the fairy where I propped the ladder on. It was then that the ladder wobbled underneath me...

---

"Oi! Kazuki! We're in the middle of a match! How dare you space out?!!" someone shouted. I flipped my head to the direction of the angry voice. It was aniki, my older brother. He wore the cap I bought him for his birthday. A ball landed on my hands. I blinked. A ball?

"Go, go! Shoot!"

My instincts prevailed, and I stepped back. I shifted my weight on my back, crouched and lightly sprang from the ground. I aimed on the ring and hoped for the best.

Shoot.

"Yeah! Wooo!"

"That was one bloody fade-away shot!"

"Good job, Kazuki!"

"Ahaha, I taught my brother that move!"

"Shut up, you useless idiot."

I jogged towards the table on the side of court. I fumbled on the zipper of my duffel bag, pulled a face towel and mopped my sweaty face and neck. I dropped myself on the grassy ground. The smell of freshly-cut grass with a faint hint of lemons that was sprawled carelessly on the ground stirred my appetite. What the--I just ate breakfast! My internal food time clock ticked, and I'm sooo looking forward to eating lunch.

My teammates cheered wildly on the background, and I could hear the friendly banter between my friends--mostly aniki's college buddies. We won by a margin of two points. My winning shot. Not bad. Normally I would have flaunted my genius, but somehow, today, I don't feel like it.

I wiped my forehead with the back of my hand. Space out, huh. I had given much thought to a red-haired junior these past few days. Weeks. Alright, months. Geez. I met her during the concours. I never really expected to get picked, but still...I don't want to get into the nitty-gritty of it all. I'll definitely bore anyone to death. So she plays the violin.

Ah, Kaho-chan. I don't know what it was that drew me to her. Drew four other guys, as well, actually.

I've made awkward and outrightly stupid blunders with her before. Blame it on my carefree attitude. I drank at her bottle of tea! Okay, it was accidental and unintentional but still...I think of it as an indirect kiss. Heh. And the episode at the boy's room! Tsuchiura and I played tug-of-war on the pillow. Yeah, lame. It tore in half, and, outbalanced, I fell. My crush got a hold on my hand, however, and the fall reversed. So I fell on top of her. Literally.

My first _real _encounter with a girl! Kaho-chan smelled...well, nice. Nice is right. I remembered inhaling the mild scent of strawberries. My pulse quickened as I stared at her flushed face. Hey, my face felt hot as well! I still feel slightly mad at Tsuchiura for hoisting me up, away from from her. She felt...soft, yeah, how else could I put it?

Gah, what am I thinking?!

I shifted my weight on my side and closed my eyes. I have never gone out with girls before. Sure, they see me as a cute boy, but for some reason they fail to see me as a guy. Huh. I had often wondered when I would become sort of like Yunoki, the girl magnet. Heh. In my dreams.

"Oi, Kazuki. What's up?" my brother asked. I opened my eyes and fixed my gaze at the azure sky.

"Er--the sky?" I replied. "Birds. Clouds."

"Moron."

I dragged myself up. If there was someone who could and would hear me out, it would be my brother.

"Aniki, how does it feel to be with a girl?"

He looked momentarily surprised, and then he roared with laughter.

"What, you planning on getting yourself a girlfriend?"

"No, not really. It's just that--"

"Same thing."

"Ugh."

"Is she the girl who played the screechy instrument?"

"Yeah, er--no, I mean--"

"Ahaha, you dummy. You mean to tell me you still haven't made a move? Not one?"

I grinned sheepishly and spread myself lazily over the grass again. How refreshing.

"I compete with three others, you know. One is my best friend. How am I supposed to squeeze myself into the picture?"

"Say, 'excuse me, may I squeeze in?'"

"Aniki!"

"Don't worry about them. Tell you what--the trick is to keep it real and simple. Just tell her."

"Ehh--but isn't it supposed to be dramatic? I've seen those kinda stuff in movies."

I received a playful blow in the head.

"You're confessing, not proposing, you dummy. Oi, the others are calling us now. Rematch! C'mon!"

Right.

---

These English texts are so annoying. Translate the blah and the blah and blah blah blah. I walked around the empty school garden and settled myself on the bench, my nose buried on the English book we were assigned to read. It was then that I noticed Kanayan seated on a bench about three feet away from me. A teacher. Gee, I should ask him.

"KANAYAN!" I called, and waved playfully.

"Dummy. Couldn't you see this cat's asleep?"

"Eh, sorry, sorry. Well, Kanayan, I'm in trouble. Er--what does 'flabbergasted' mean?"

He raised his arm and cupped his chin. "Flabbergasted. Flab...um, to be overcome with astonishment that despite excessive dieting, you still haven't lost a kilo, I think."

Oh, okay. Weird. I traced the page for other English words I couldn't quite understand and asked, "How about this, Kanayan? 'Flamboyant.'"

"You have a thing for flabs, huh," he chuckled. "It means to proudly display one's girth."

"Yay, thanks, Kanayan!"

"Shoot. It's a thankless job, but I've got lots of karma to burn off."

Hmm, now that I'm at it...

"Wait...Kanayan...I want to ask you something..." I hesitated. Acting all school boy-like in front of Kanayan, gee, he'll only laugh at me. I can imagine him laughing his heart out; they all do. I don't know what's so funny about me asking questions. I decided to press my case, anyway.

"Uh--"

"Are you going to ask me how to confess?" he asked impatiently. I blinked.

"Huh? How did you know?"

He exhaled forcefully. "You kids really don't get it, do you? Heck, do I like a friggin' people person?"

"Huh?" I gave him a blank stare. What on Earth is Kanayan talking about? He looks like an eggplant gone mad. All I know is that I'm getting desperate. I'm about to graduate, and I haven't uttered so much as a single word about my feelings for Kaho-chan.

"Kanayan?"

"Alright, I'll tell you, as I told the others, and then get the hell out of here. Rule Number One: The mood is important. It doesn't necessarily have to be ultra romantic, although with most girls that's counted plus points. Rule Number Two: You should catch her _alone._ Get me? Alone. Rule Number Three: Look your best. At least, look human."

Gee. He turned his back on me! I struggled to lodge all the information inside my head, verbatim. Blah, blah, blah, look human. Got it. Rules, huh.

"I'm competing with three others here, Kanayan..." I added meekly. Really, now that I think of it, I don't stand a chance against them. A violin prodigy slash bocchama, a close friend who's helped her through a lot of sticky situations, a--sniff--a girl magnet-whom-everyone-loves-and-adores and blondie, the perfect transfer student. Me, a meaty bun boy. Oh, boy.

He yawned. "Well, y'know what they say...If you can't beat them..."

"...join them?" I supplied. How on Earth would I 'join' them?

"Huh? That is a cliche. If you can't beat them, then arrange to have them beaten. Hahahaha."

I frowned and folded my arms in front of my chest. Not a good joke, but it wouldn't hurt for me to keep that in mind. Heh. "Eh--Kanayan--you're so annoying!"

"Hm, did you know that when someone annoys you, it takes forty two muscles to frown?"

I resisted the urge to stick my tongue out at him. Instead, I replied, "Really? Well, it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack them in head."

"HIHARA!! I'M A FRIGGIN' TEACHER!!"

I couldn't help myself at this point--I ran away and stuck my tongue out at him. Waving playfully, I yelled, "Thanks, Kanayan!" and then I ran the route to the main grounds. Tenenenen! Off to find Kaho-chan!

---

**tehe. alright, so i sort of updated this post. cheers to pathetic rainbow and enemrizza for the first two reviews! i hearts hihara (second only to len, of course). i initially planned a one-shot, inspired by my 'abusive tendency' that manifested itself during the course of 'one and only tune.' gyahaha. okay, so i give you your happy ending, hihara-shi! ^-^ good day, minna-san! ^-^**


	2. Chapter 2

I'm taking a break from reading this psychology-related book. 'Can't seem to concentrate. So what's new? Probably had ADHD as a kid, who knows.

And yeah, as if having people spill their drink on my uniform isn't enough, I bump onto Kaho-chan.

Her scores flew all over the place. And the wind had to choose _that _exact moment to make a grand entrance. I must have looked really stupid running after the offending sheets of paper. And then the stupid ball from the soccer team had to hit the back of my head just as I handed her the scores. What could possibly be more embarrassing than getting knocked down in front of your crush?! It could have hit me thirty-five seconds later, after she'd thanked me and headed straight to the practice rooms. And of all the things I had to say, I had to blabber about the weather. Ugh. Life is so abnormally cruel.

The front door opened and aniki stormed noisily into the living room.

"Oi, Kazuki."

"Huh."

"Akira lent me this CD. Man, you've to hear the tracks—hilarious."

"Huh."

I grabbed my school bag and dumped my notebooks on the center table. Might as well work on my homeworks as we listened to the songs.

So I had to walk around the campus in my colorful shirt. I even received quite a mouthful of sermon from Sawada-sensei. Humph. It's not like it was determined choice.

How come the teachers keep on dishing out more assignments than we can handle? As if we seniors have so much free time.

_Examine the excerpts from Michio Muyagi's Koma no Haru—determine the construction and direction—_yadda, yadda.

I must have looked really stupid to Kaho-chan.

First excerpt looks like it could be G-major, because there's a key signature of one sharp, and there are no leading tones, like the D#, to make E minor a possibility.

Scratch that.

Music theory proves quite exhausting at times.

"I'm just a regular, everyday, normal guy," sang aniki loudly from across the room. I shook my head. Really foul lines. Funny, yeah, but foul. I turned my attention back to my music notebook.

It couldn't be E minor, because that would require the presence of D# to create the leading tone that's necessary to emphasize E as a tonic.

"And I'm not very good with the women—I'm a pretty shy person and I'm average lookin—"

I scratched my head with the end of my pen. I feel miserable enough without that foul song reminding me of my utter bad luck.

"When I got nothing to say I usually talk about the weather."

Ow, shoot.

_List down the things that makes you smile, makes your day and makes you appreciate a day gone bad._

Geez, I totally forgot about this assignment. And it's due tomorrow! I scratched my chin absently. Why do people assign topics like this to graduating students, anyway? It sort of reminds me of middle school. I wonder what Yunoki's take on this one would be.

Hihara Kazuki.

4-A.

I blinked at the paper.

Oh, geez.

Well, my days aren't really any different from most people. I wake up, drag myself to school and the make the best of some great education, cram or "study" for an exam in an hour, pig-out, squeeze practices in between classes and inevitably daydream. How about that, huh.

A lot of things make me smile but in a really glum day for me, I just silently sulk, I don't even know if it's obvious I'm pissed or down. So what makes me a tad happier even by less than half a notch?

Of course seeing my family makes me happy. Hanging out with my friends, especially those I don't get to see so much.

Playing the trumpet, of course. It gives me a boost in energy! Morale, strength, whichever way you'd like to put it. Playing basketball with friends. Running in the morning. Reminds me of my junior high days.

Food makes me happy! Reading good books, watching interesting movies, meeting new people.

"You close your eyes and you're on a chicken farm, the only problem's that the chickens have human arms—"

"Ugh, aniki," I complained loudly. Just what kind of people writes about chicken farms and chickens with human arms?!

"Sorry."

Seeing Kaho-chan smile makes me happy! Seeing her doing her best makes me want to put my best foot forward in everything.

And I realize it actually doesn't take a lot to make me happy. Hehehe. Maybe because we all need a wretched day, or a good old bad day to make us appreciate the fun things in life. Now, now, that's pretty impressive. Hahaha.

"Like the time in grade three when a girl called me stupid face. She really hurt me—why'd she call me stupid face?"

I laughed at the lyrics and then I picked my notebooks up. Aniki was bent on the component, his eyes glued to the notebook where all the lyrics probably were written.

"Is my face stupid? How's that even possible?"

I thumped him on the back as I passed him on my way to the stairs. I must admit—the songs have made me feel better.

And about Kaho-chan…well, I gotta try again, right?

"A person can be stupid but a face, that's impossible."

Yeah.

---

I took a deep breath and turned the knob.

Tada!

I felt like patting myself on the back. Good timing, Kazuki!

She spun around nervously and then looked at me in surprise. Yeah, well, I'll flatter myself into thinking 'in pleasant surprise.'

"Kaho-chan. Are you done practicing?"

"Whew, I thought for a moment you were someone else. Well, never mind that. Um, what are you doing here, Hihara-senpai?"

Yech. Senpai. Is that all I'm ever gonna be?

"Did you eat lunch before you went to practice, Kaho-chan?"

"Eh…actually…no."

I clutched the paper bag I've hidden behind my back and handed it to her.

"I wanted to buy you lunch, but I figured you wouldn't have enough time, so…I bought you bread instead."

"Eh—melon bread! That was really thoughtful of you, Hihara-senpai! Thank you!"

"No problem."

We sat side by side on the stone bench. Okay, Kazuki, focus! I went over my 'lines' as I waited for her to finish eating. I glanced at my newly-acquired wristwatch—the one I wrangled from aniki, anyway--I still have ten minutes. Hmm, that ought to be enough.

"Gochisosama! Thanks again for these, senpai."

"Um—"

"Senpai? You have something to say?"

"Kaho-chan. I—I really—I mean…I—"

Gah, I can't do this! I can feel the heat rushing to my face and then I stuttered stupidly. I should've written my speech down! Now I can't remember anything!

"Hihara-senpai…are you alright?"

I risked a glance at her face. I can tell she's confused—concerned, even, but at least she didn't look annoyed. At least not yet.

"Actually, Kaho-chan…I…I really like—"

Kerthud.

I broke off. Was that…Was that the sound of something or someone hitting hard cement? I jumped off the bench and both of us looked around.

"Shimizu-kun!"

Gah!! What's he doing here?! Kaho-chan leapt up ad almost ran to his direction. She cradled his head while I picked his cello up to check for possible injuries. No crack, no scratch. Well—

"Is he alright, Kaho-chan?" I asked worriedly. "Is he sick? Why'd he lose consciousness? We should carry him to the infirmary—"

"He's alright, Hihara-senpai," she assured me, "He fell asleep, is all."

"A-asleep?" Whoa, what was that? I mean—I never really noticed that Shimizu-kun's always sleepy until now, but Kaho-chan's chuckling like it's normal routine. I shifted uneasily, his instrument still cradled in my arms. "Is he always like this?"

"He was asleep the whole time," she supplied fondly, "That's probably why I didn't notice him when I came up here. Eh—I keep on telling Shimizu-kun…This habit would be the death of him."

I nodded sheepishly. "A bad fall could cause nasty complications. Er—Kaho-chan, don't you think we should wake him up already?"

"Yes, it's almost time for our first class."

And so my first attempt on a confession went down the drain.

---

"Yo, Kanayan."

"Hoo, I'm busy."

"But you're not doing anything!"

"It may not look like I'm doing anything, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy."

I don't know why, but I find myself talking to Kanayan every time I had a particularly 'bad' or uneventful day. It's not like he would tell me something or anything 'enlightening'—he's one to always joke around. He sat at the bench lazily while he fed his equally lazy fat cat.

I leaned against the bench and folded my arms behind my head. I replayed the scene earlier in my head. Shimizu-kun, of all people. Gah. But, well, I'd rather it was him than Tsuchiura or Tsukimori. Or worse, Yunoki. But still—

"Where did I go wrong?" I asked no one in particular. The timing was perfect, she _was _alone, and I've got the rules covered. Oh, man.

"Huh, this is going to take more than one night," yawned Kanayan. "So, you've resorted to stalking, huh."

"What stalking? I'm not stalking her."

"Oh please. I won't pretend I didn't see you pressing your ear against the door to the rooftop earlier."

"Why are you snooping around?"

"How was it, then?" he asked indifferently as he lit another cigarette. "I see you finally got to her. Things went well?"

I heaved another sigh and slumped on the bench. His cat meowed at me stupidly.

"Naw, there were complications."

"Well, as they always say, if at first you don't succeed, destroy any evidence that you ever tried."

"Huh, stop bugging me, Kanayan. I feel miserable enough."

"What happened?"

"Uh, Shimizu-kun," I stated flatly, not caring to elaborate. Leads to one thing, anyway. But then Kanayan chuckled as if he understood, grabbed the cat and settled it down the bench beside him.

"Competition's pretty intense, don't you think?"

I blinked.

"What competition?"

"Well, I overheard Tsuchiura offer to walk Hino home. Practice room," he added with a shrug.

I leapt up. "What? Tsuchiura?"

"Chill. She refused. She's got the afternoon planned with her friends, apparently."

"Oh."

"Yunoki got to her, though. Can you believe it? He actually grabbed her hand and shoved her inside the car! Hahaha, you should've seen his fan girls' faces after they drove away."

My eyes bulged.

"Yu-Yunoki?! Yunoki took her home? C-car?!"

"Uh-huh."

I slumped down, defeated. Huhu. Yunoki. My bestfriend. Boohoo. I guess it can't be helped. Some people are born irresistible.

"And earlier, Tsukimori asked her to--"

"Oh, please!" I wailed loudly and then I stormed out of the garden. And then I remembered I left my school bag behind. Sheesh. Talk about ruining my perfect walk-out scene.

"What's wrong?" he complained, "You didn't let me finish--he asked her to return the CDs she borrowed."

Rats.

My chin jerked up a fraction. I just have to tell her what I feel, right? It doesn't matter now if she ends up choosing someone else. I just know that I'm never gonna be able to live with myself if I actually didn't try.

So there.

---

**boing! haha! woo! i've been reading lcdo chapter 60 previews earlier, and hihara-shi occupied most of the panels--whoopie flippin doo! shiawase!!^-^ so kawaii is he. ahem. ^-^ btw, the lyrics are from songs i wouldn't mention, since it contains heavy language (then why mention it in the first place, dummy). hearts sarcastic lines. uh, thanks for the reviews! ^-^**


	3. Chapter 3

_'Cause I love her with all that I am  
And my voice shakes along with my hands  
Cause she's all that I see and she's all that I need  
And I'm out of my league once again'_

**Chapter III**

Gaaaah, never knew that in doing my laundry I would learn the art of being efficient and responsible. Yih, now that's cheesy and overrated. And then I realize how "adultish" I'm becoming. I mean, it's not a bad thing; it's just a weird transitional phase for me—think quarter life crisis hehehe. I'm not a kid anymore—no more ten years old.

And so in between the sorting and the drying, I wandered around the house in search of something to do. The machine takes around 30ish minutes to whirl and hum and do whatever washing machines do, anyway. You see, I'm attending Fuyuumi-san's birthday tonight. But sheesh—I still haven't decided on what to wear, and I really regret why I procrastinated and failed to do my laundry last week. Ugh. On the brighter side, I called Kaho-chan up earlier, and she agreed with my suggestion that I pick her up so we could go together at Fuyuumi-san's house. Maybe…I could finally ask her out along the way. Whoooboy!

And right now, I'm really trying hard not to think of the food.

Distractions, distractions…

So yeah, growing old. It just occurred to me; the ambivalence of getting older, at least for me. Like I think I'm there, ready to take head-on responsibilities that come with age. But when a thing or two goes wrong or falls short of my expectation, to think that I hardly ever expect from anything or anyone which is saying a lot, I do a double take of some sort and re-think _'Am I really ready for this?'_ And so I tend to regress—y'know, bite my fingers and eat up the food intended for a month's consumption and curl up in this fetal position when life really sucks, and sometimes I wish to go back to 'before.' And then I remember Kaho-chan, and I take my words back again.

_Kaho-chan._

Yeah, back to square one.

_Nothing,_ and I mean NOTHING should go wrong tonight. And I wish Kanayan would stop snooping around and calling me 'chick.' What's with chicks and chickens, anyway? My brother wouldn't stop singing his foul chicken song—yeah, yeah, normally I wouldn't have cared but these days I find their jokes pretty annoying. Probably because they're true. Hoo—erase, erase! So, in a really retrospect POV; if the problems I had when I was a kid seem trivial and petty right now then most probably, the troubles that nag me now will seem totally hilarious or almost seem like nothing a couple of years from now. And then again, my problems when I was a kid involved mostly food, so…Ugh.

My brain seems to be on a run these days.

_Kaho-chan._

Nah, nah, nothing can stop me tonight. And that involves the buffet. Hopefully. Suppose there is some quiet spot in Fuyuumi-san's garden; perhaps I could lure—no, where did I get that _lure? _Geez—perhaps I could get Kaho-chan to _join _me and I could then gather the courage to tell her how I feel.

_I wonder what the menu for tonight is._

Now I hear the machine yelling my name. Responsibility calls.

---

noooo--i did not neglect this story. it's shorter than i intended, though, _sniff sniff_, but i'm planning on going all out with the next chapter. sorry if i got kazuki's internal dialogue horribly wrong--but yeah, i love the guy. heehee. and hopefully i would be able to update before september ends. woohoo! ^-^


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